


To Have and to Hold

by foreignparts



Category: Free!
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships, jealous Sousuke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-19
Updated: 2014-07-19
Packaged: 2018-02-09 11:38:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1981521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreignparts/pseuds/foreignparts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But good things seldom last long. They come to an end or lose their shine. Sometimes they become ugly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Have and to Hold

It was difficult to explain it -- Rin felt as if he was sinking, no, as if he was being drawn deep down into some sickly sweet substance, sticky like syrup and suffocating. Really, it was just too much and too intense, if you didn't want to be so fancy about it. He hadn't thought it would turn out like this. Who could have?

Let's back up.

 

\---

 

You see, it's not easy being queer in high school. It's not easy being queer in general. And it's definitely not easy being queer if you're the only one you know.

Sometimes it got a little difficult to bear. _Disappointment_ , Rin thought, _a_ _disappointment. Outsider. That's it._

_Lonely._

Now, of course Rin knew he couldn't be the only one, and that there were others like him out there. But where? How long until he finds them? For how long can one be lonely?

It didn't take that long. 

Third year began, and with that Sousuke returned to Rin's life.

 

\---

 

The first time it happened, Rin was afraid that his heart might stop beating. That isn't to imply that it came as a total surprise -- Sousuke had changed in many ways, but the essentials had more or less stayed the same. This was someone Rin knew and could read to an extent. There were little clues that he had picked up on, hints of attachment and attraction, but he hadn't dared to let his thoughts reach the conclusion that had loomed just on the other side of plausible.

So, then, when Sousuke kissed him in their dorm room during an argument about Haruka, Rin's heart stuttered and spluttered. There was a squeezing, searing warmth in his chest, enough to almost choke him as it threatened to expand upwards. A shaky, shivery feeling crept all over his body.

Rin kissed Sousuke back.

 

\---

 

Being able to really, really look. Being able to finally touch another male's body in the way he had been ashamed to think of but had thought of anyway. It was supposed to be impossible. But now, but _now_.

It was a revelation. A validation.

A vindication.

 

\---

 

But good things seldom last long. They come to an end or lose their shine. Sometimes they become ugly.

Maybe Rin hadn't known Sousuke at all. Maybe he'd played with fire and had been consumed. He had thought that being alone with his biggest secret had been exhausting. A naive thought. Turns out you can claim to want the best for someone while trying your best to hold them down. A funny thing, that.

The walls of their too-small room seemed to creep inwards every day.

 

\---

 

_Are you going to see Haruka again? No? Who is it then? You shouldn't waste your time on any of them. They're not worth it. Just focus on your swimming. Is it Haruka? Is it Haruka again? Come on, stay in tonight. I'm the only one you'll ever need. You don't need anyone else. Don't go. Don't you dare go. Don't you dare._

_Look at me._

_Do you love me?_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive me. 
> 
> Seems like I just had to go there with this one. I actually like this ship but this is the thing that came out when I tried to write about it.
> 
> Also, please note: I do not mean to romanticize unhealthy relationships and I hope this fic doesn't come across like that.


End file.
